Birds & Blossoms

If you’ve been following me on socials or here on the blog for any length of time, you have probably noticed one detail: I struggle with consistency.

It’s true. I can plan with the best of ‘em, but following through on those plans is a whole different story. Believe me, I have spent years searching for a workaround, trying what feels like every task manager, motivation system, and batching technique in existence. I’ve worked from home, from the library, from cafes. And it all works! ….For a while.

So, uh, what gives? As it turns out, I am extremely neurodivergent. Coming to terms with that has been a journey, to say the least.

About five or six years ago, I discovered I am one of the women with ADHD who got overlooked as a child because I was quiet and did well in school. Many things about me started to make a lot more sense – I’m clumsy, I lose my train of thought while speaking, I get so overwhelmed by large to-do lists that my executive functioning shuts down and I do nothing. The more I learned about what ADHD looks like in women, the more I felt like I had discovered my true problem and could now begin to fix it.

There is a lot of discourse on ADHD in the pop culture sphere right now – TikTok has opinions, doctors have (widely varying) opinions, everyone has opinions. As someone who is not a medical professional but who is living with it, I will say that it is a real condition, and its effects are a giant mixed bag. Some people call it a superpower, and there are some definite upsides:

• I believe it contributes to my creativity, since I can generate what feels like a million ideas from one source of inspiration just from the sheer speed of my train of thought
• I am a quick problem solver (we’re going to ignore that fact that this is born out of necessity due to self-imposed problems)
• Adrenaline helps me focus, so I can stay calm and cool in a crisis

But personally, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a “superpower.” For every upside, there is also a drawback:

• Many ideas I’ve generated never come to fruition because I lose focus
• I don’t excel at creating long-term structure or habits
• I obviously can’t live in a constant adrenaline rush, so situations that are NOT crises can feel too dull or boring and, once again, I lose focus

After getting diagnosed, I switched into problem-solving mode. It comes naturally and feels productive, so what’s not to love? I started learning everything I could about ADHD, especially ADHD in women, and read several books on how to be a functional and successful adult with ADHD. Knowledge is power, right? And with enough power, I felt confident that I could overcome my ADHD and live up to all that potential I was told I had as a child.

However, I failed to consider that ADHD is not the same thing as a school assignment or work project. It’s just how my brain works. It’s a difference to be accepted, not a blemish I can remove with the right combination of products.

In all likelihood, ADHD is also not my only difference. Remember all that reading I did? Well, I was confused because it seemed like even these books written for women “just like me” didn’t land exactly on target. I felt like I couldn’t even do ADHD right.

Ever determined, I did even more research and uncovered the “AuDHD” label (Autism + ADHD). It’s apparently fairly common for these conditions to be comorbid, especially in women, and the experience is distinct from those with only one or the other. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I can say that I identify most strongly with experiences from the women who have been diagnosed as AuDHD.

For some reason, unlike my first reaction to being diagnosed with ADHD, discovering that I am likely also autistic has been oddly relaxing. When ADHD was my only concern, I was still running from the idea of being different and thought I could strongarm my way into appearing “normal” (whatever that is). 

But if I’m also autistic? There is no cure, there’s not even a medication targeting the symptoms. Because it’s okay. I am different. Even if I go through neuropsych testing and realize AuDHD isn’t the right label after all, this journey has at least led me to make peace with the fact that I am definitely different. I am also an artist, a wife and mother, a writer, a pretty good cook, and a terrible housekeeper. I am Hannah VanDuinen, and I’m starting to realize that it’s okay for me to take up space in my little corner of the world.

And you – you are just as important! Thank you for joining me in this space. I promise things will turn more art-focused from here on out, but I thought it was important for me to be more open about who I am and why I do what I do.

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